I am a mentally ill person. I have been my entire life. I know that now. I have listened to this album for years and only today did this song stand out. Only today did I understand. I played it on and off all day long in my headphones on the long ride back and forth to my grandfather’s funeral. But it wasn’t about my grandfather; it was about me.
I know the story behind the song and that makes it even more painful to listen to. I wish I’d known her. Maybe we could have hugged and cried and lied to each other, saying that it would be all right. But it definitely won’t be. What I have is for life, and what she had was for life. Until she wrapped it up herself.
I don’t want to tell people how badly I’m hurting, because everyone else is going through their own shit. And how do I explain this sickness that no one can see? How do I tell someone without them thinking I’m weak and pathetic? All I can see is everyone else going through their own genuine pain, pain that can be observed just by reading an obituary.
Despair kills just as easily as cancer. But for now, it’s not claiming me. The fact that I’m still capable of feeling things means I am not done here yet.
But everyone else who lived it and decided they’d had enough - I get it.